Sunday, June 7, 2009

Defending your self from Zombie Nurses

Budd has received thousands and thousands of phone calls , emails ,letters , telegrams , smoke signals , coded and scrambled communications from all over the world regarding his exposure of the zombie infiltrations of this countrys' ER departments. I t is possible this problem is even more serious and wide spread than was previously thought. Reports have come in from as far away as Mineral Springs Methodist Memorial , Midway Mennonite Memeorial , And Umpire Unititarian Univerity , and Bingen Baptist Research Hospital and appliance repair of zombie activity.

Many people are questioning why the Center for Disease Control is silent on this subject . Who works at the CDC ? nurses and who are the zombies ? thats right Nurses.

Here at Budd command we have been asked " How might I spot a zombie in my ER"? Even thought this question is similar to asking why are tigers cats , Budd command will give you a check list to go by . If you pull into the ER and you wonder is there a zombie inside do the following ; pull out you EMS field guide (this is similar to a solier readying his weapon for combat , you may not need it but better safe than sorry) and second ask your self the folllowing questions:

1- Is the suspected zombie frequently seen in or near a hospital?

2-Is the suspect wearing tennis shoes?

3- Is the suspect wearing scruba and or a lab jacket?

4-Does the suspicious character have an assortment of pens and pencils in thier pockets?

5-Do they have a cell phone? ( be careful Budd was once attacked by a zombie with a brick wrapped in a cell phone cover , see zombies part one)

6-Does the suspected zombie roll their eyes when you bring a seriously injured or gravely ill patient into the ER?

7-Does the nurse/zombie ask a lot of personal questions of the patient? Many zombie experts believe this is a ploy to lern more about potential victims.However still others believe this is merely part of the z/n (zombie nurse) inate desire to torture.

8-Does the Z/N immediately began taking the patients clothing?This is either a desire to establish dominance or Z/Ns have really full closets in their zombie cave.

9- Does the Z/N ask questions about things they enjoy ie any street drug? alcohol? how much? frequently z/ns are heard to say "that aint much I had more than that before I came to work" Have you been in a fight?(z/ns like nothing better than to attack un suspecting innocent EMTs_

10-Does the Z/N ask where do you hurt and immediately begin to probe and prod that area?

If you follow the above guide lines you should be able to identify any Z/Ns you encounter . Understand that these are only Guidelines . For instance some Z/Ns that are supervisory Z/Ns do not wear tennis shoes they were shoes that make loud clicking noises as they walk.

As the goverment ramps up to meet this new threat Budd command has been asked to Speer head this action . This was done for several reasons , one Budd is the only known person to survive a Z/n attack and second because of our fearlessnes in exposing this epidemic.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Attack of the Zombie Nurses

Once up on a time Budd was accused by a nurse of stealing her patient as well as her cell phone cover.This story was maiciously spread by rumor mongers(this is a speciality nursing area,rumor mongering)In order to protect his good name Budd tells the true story of what happened that fateful night.

It was a dark and stormy night Budds phone rings,He strains to hear the whispered voice:"Budd you have to come and rescue me,these so called nurses slapped me into this bed,chained me down and took my clothes.Budd being the person he is tries to see the good in everyone,even nurses said"I am sure they will be right back with you,they are probably overwhelmed by critical patients"."As soon as possible they will be back in there to comfort and treat you"
"No Budd you must save me"all they are doing is talking on the phone" To this Budd replied they are consulting with other highly trained medical profesionals about your case.
A whispered "NO!"was my answer,"they are talking to each other"PLEASE PLEASE RESCUE ME"
Later as Budd innocently approaches the ER he is still looking for the good in everyone.
Budd pleasantly walks in smiles and very nicely says to the nurses Hello how are you?
Suddenly fangs and claws appear and Budd is being attacked he fights for his life,he can't just fight his way to freedom he must save the patient.

Over and Over as the claws rake his eyes he hears zombie like voices repeating "nurse talk on phone must kill he who disturbs"
Overwhelehemed by sheer numbers and the ferocity of the attack Budd frees one arm and reaches for his EMS FIELD GUIDE as soon as it is brought out the Zombie nurses fall back in horror and awe,this is the magical book that talks about forbidden topics, things like patient care , Budd rushes down the hall and scoops up the patient and runs for the safety of the ambootaxi.Behind him Budd hears a howl of animal fury and a cell phone hits budd as he shields the patient with his body.The force of the impact not only did tremendous damage to Budds body but seperated the cell phone from its cover.Budd grabbed the cover and used it to stop his arterial bleeding from the injury,all the while rendering excellent patient care.
And that is how The cell phone case wound up in my possesion